NEED A FREE DREAM VACATION?

Then come meet ME, Bert Kreischer, host of TRAVEL CHANNEL’S TRIP FLIP. I will be in AUSTIN, TX looking for adventurous travelers — so come down and say “HI!”

I am gearing up for my next four destinations. . . If you & your traveling buddy can travel for 6-7 days between Jan 24, 2013 and March 14, 2013 come meet ME as a pair and get in the mix!

WHERE: S CONGRESS AVE, between JAMES ST on the north & MILTON ST on the south in Downtown Austin

****Look for the Sign-in table near the Hey Cupcake! trailer “*****

WHEN: January 5, 2013

TIME: 9am — 5pm

In case of inclement weather, please call 303-872-8788 for a meeting location update

Just some FYI’s:

• Travelers must be at least 18 years old

• Travel dates and locations are chosen SOLELY by the show!

• Look for me and my camera crew or the rest of the Trip Flip gang hanging out by the sign in table. . .”

**NO PHONE CALLS OR EMAILS PLEASE — JUST LOOK FOR US!!!

Trip Flip is produced by High Noon Entertainment, the company that brings you captivating series such as Cake Boss, Tough Love & Extreme Water Parks

The question I get asked the most these days on Twitter (now that the MACHINE SHIRTS are finally on sale) is “Does Alpha Brain work” and “how does it affect your dreams”.
First off, I have always been a very active dreamer, sometimes up to 8 dreams a night that I can often recount. Crazy, bizarre, sometimes emotional dreams are always tied together like vines, so when I start unraveling one, it triggers another one, then another, and another, that I inevitably bore someone with. I’ve dreamt jokes that I went on to tell on stage, ideas that I have pitched as movies, long winded fights with popular radio hosts, and even my death. On that level Alpha Brain hasn’t necessarily increased my dreaming, it has just made the dreams I do have somewhat stranger. The lucidity I talked about on Joe Rogan’s Podcast is undeniable and not something that I have been accustom to. Usually when I have shit going on in my life that is bothering me, I dream that I am organizing alligators (I know, it’s weird, but very consistent). On Alpha Brain I tend to dream about the specific event, emotion, or action. For instance I was missing my kids the other night when I had the dream that I was in a photo shoot on Wilshire. In the middle of the photo shoot I realized…”Holy shit this is a dream!”…Normally that would wake me up (it has happened in almost every sex dream when I reach for a condom and think, “Wait this is a dream, I don’t need a condom”), but for some reason it didn’t, so I left the photo shoot, stepped outside…& realizing it was a dream…and FLEW home. Of course, it’s still a dream that my brain is orchestrating, and my brain hates me, so I got lost in the hills…regardless that was a crazy feeling when I woke up and realized I could do that. Another example was the day before I did WTF w/ Marc Maron. I’ve known Marc for a long time but never really knew how he felt about me. I was concerned that the interview might go “Gallagher”. That night I had the most realistic dream I have ever had in my entire life of the interview doing exactly that. In the dream I walked out of Marc’s studio in a high rise, stepped into an elevator, honestly and emotionally distraught by the things I had said on mic about certain people, looked at myself as the elevator doors shut, and saw that I was wearing hot pink neon stripped Kaza workout pants, no shirt, and a matching neon striped headband. I literally cheered up, realized I was dreaming, and in the dream thought, “fantastic, now I know what not to do”. That kind of problem solving in a dream was absolutely foreign to me.
Usually I get one of those a night, and have noticed, that even when I hopped off Alpha Brain (for a couple weeks I took 1-2 in the morning) I had somewhat of a residual effect. The reason I hopped off is that the dreams were beginning to exhaust me. I had a dream one night where I was sitting on a couch reading a book and as my eyes read the words I thought, “This is totally a dream, so I am having to imagine the word my eyes are about to read before my eyes can actually read them…I wonder if I can guess what the word is before my eyes read it?” FUCKING EXHAUSTING, I woke up wanting to take a nap. This, I am guessing, was a by product undeniable alertness that Alpha Brain was giving me through out the day…So much alertness that I was driving my wife crazy. So I would hop off AB at home and get back on AB on the road. As a matter of fact, it is the Alpha Brain that made me want to write a blog this morning before I drive to Phoenix (I just got a new bottle).
Last and most importantly…I am Johnny Placebo. I can eat a sugar pill & if you tell me it was poison, I will feel sick. I get contact buzzes at reggae concerts, so take what I am saying with a grain of salt…I’m not a doctor & I’m not a pharmacist. I’m just a comedian who draws inspiration from his dreams and wanted to enhance them. I like the stuff, I go on and off them, and I’m on them right now.

Enjoy your ALPHA BRAIN or don’t,
Bert

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My wife has the best heart. I only hope that there are more people like her, and less like me, because when we watch the these feel good reality shows like “The Biggest Loser” I end up feeling like a horrible person. While I have with the evil/cynic gene, she watches it, rejoices, prays, cries, and celebrates with these people…meanwhile all I can do is point out what I feel to be the obvious truths: “He’ll get fat again!”, “She’ll turn into a whore for a couple months, get herpes, and get fat again!”, “They’ll get a divorce, and she’ll get fat again”, “He shaves his beard way too high for my taste, he’ll get fat again.”
Maybe it’s because I’m drunk…Maybe it’s because I ate too much for dinner, or maybe I know people better than my wife does because I’m a man.
Of course it all comes down to all of that…I am a man! By saying that I mean that I HAVE BEEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE. She is a woman and she has never been punched in the face. When the concept of “getting punched in the face” looms over you every time you are DRUNK, you size up people better, quicker, and faster than someone who has never had that worry….and those people are women.
And that is why I think, that when I am drinking, without doubt, I can size up people much better than my wife. So while she thinks Danny will win without a doubt, I can chant, with certainty that the man that will win the biggest loser this year be….RUDY, RUDY, RUDY!!!!

I’ll called it!

As anyone of my Facebook friends can attest, I spent the majority of last night staring at a celebrity’s back at the Dodgers game.  They played the Diamond back’s…such a boring team I don’t care if I spell their name right, and such a boring game that the highlights were this man’s back and a hobby shop airplane that was tossed from the upper decks and flew above the field for about three minutes…

Can you tell who it was?

I knew who it was right away, my buddy Todd didn’t believe me until I yelled out, “Look, there goes Johnny Ringo!” He turned back to us, scowled and said, “You tell Johnny Ringo I’m coming after him and I’m bringing Hell with me!” Yup, we were within scowling distance from Wyatt Earp himself, Kurt Russell…pretty impressive, and I can tell you this about the man: he likes peanuts, can go to a ball game and drink only one beer, stays untill the last out, and doesn’t spend his money on shoes. No matter how long I live in LA or how many celebrities I meet I still get butterflies when I see them in person, they are like dolphins at the beach. It consumed my night, so much so that the rest of the game we spent pointing out celebrity close calls, “Hey, isn’t that Micheal Moore sitting with the guy from Apocalypto…my bad, it’s just a guy with his wife, but seriously I’m pretty positive that that is Delroy Lindo sitting two rows in front of them with Monique.” (I will definitely be playing this game by myself at the fair this weekend) At the end of the night, eyes swollen and breathing shallowed from the wild fires 100 yards away from center field, we parted ways with Kurt by saying absolutely nothing…I’m pretty sure he started recognizing me by the seventh inning and it was getting weird.

I’m home for the next week (LA COUNTY FAIR), Richmond Funnybone the week after, and if I’m not mistaken, in production the week after next….That’s right everybody The B-Man should be gracingyou TV’s very shortly. I can’t exactly tell you what, where, and when because the deal hasn’t officially closed yet but I can give you two hints…
L&R
Albert Charles Kreischer III

I have ten minutes until my car picks me up for my 1st of 6 shows in KC…definitely in the mid-west, the food is so fucking rich and big…staying on a low Cholesterol Diet is difficult here, mostly because the awareness of heart disease is still ten years away from here. “Do you want me to tell them to only put of half the bacon, cause you can’t have it with no bacon!” was a conversation I had today with my waitress…also I overheard a Russian sitting next to me tell the guy he was talking to, “You have no idea what they did to my daughter…” i lost him after that but I’m dying to know what they did, was it good, was it bad…the only oither thing I could translate was, “Man I love Mountain Dew!” Listening to Headline News in the background as I right…the chic from The Real Housewives of Atlanta (the short haired black chic) is chiming in about the guy who killed his wife and put her in a suitcase…maybe not the best booking, but she is really slamming home her point about how famous she is, and how hard it is to be famous. Having been on a number of reality show I can say with 100% confidence that yes they do make you crazy, but not crazy enough to sit in a hotel bathroom pulling out the teeth and cutting off the fingers of you wife. I did a lot of sleeping today and even more shitting…looks like my car is here, time to do a little more shitting and some high class drinking…Ahhhh and Nancy Grace just came on, did you know she write novels? I don;t think I could read her novels without hearing her over-projecting, super pretentious voice in my head as I read her prose…

I will blig tonight after I have perused the internet for gypsy videos (thanks Madonna)

I have some good news and I have some bad news…the bad news, and I am sure this comes as a shock to no one, considering the amount of pictures I take shirtless, but I recently found out I am in the high risk category for a heart attack. I know this saddens those of you who took “my liver and the under”, but as long as I chase my “Ana Nicole-Sized pile of pills” with my “Benefiber” and eat like a bore, the Doctors say I should live well into my forties. I can’t blame all my ticker problems on the road, but I will say that amazing hospitality that the comedy clubs show me doesn’t help. The way they feed me food and alcohol, you’d think they were going to eat me after the Sunday show. I have the next three weeks off and thought it only fitting to take somewhat of a sabbatical from my right hand, maybe try and spend some above ground time with my kids, and possibly even catch up on some reading (BTW I also had to get glasses)…I’m falling apart at the seams people, that is the bad news.

The good news…I have started writing a new hour, my clothes are fitting better, Rogaine still works, my beard makes me look smarter than I really am, my daughter have started calling me daddy again, my shits are a sweet toxic that makes me smile, I think I’ll be on a TV show soon, I have over 1000 people on my mailing list, I’m not Somalian, and I still have 6 unwatched episodes of LOST on my DVR, including the season finale…SO…I should be about 20 pounds lighter and smiling ear to ear when I head back out on the road in July, literally double stitching the country by going back and forth from Tampa, Sacramento, Miami, Dayton, San Diego, Louisville, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Richmond, DC, Cinncy, & Virginia Beach not to mention the Bahamas and Cozumel.

As always, get at me on Cara Libro, I don’t check MySpace often, and I still don’t fully understand Twitter (although I twitter a lot, fuck I’m probably twittering this right now)

OH YEAH…please, please, please sign up for my mailing list by going HERE…it’s the only surefire way to find out when I am coming to your city.

BERT